Hold Your Liquor

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“I CANT HANDLE NO LIQUOR AND THESE BITCHES CANT HANDLE ME”

I live my life through many philosophies, one of my favorite being “You only lose if you don’t learn.” We’ve all had those nights of falling down stairs, passing out or waking up in foreign places because we went entirely too hard the night before. Loss. We’ve all been that drunk, belligerent, rambunctious person in the party because we didn’t know any better. Loss. The key to properly functioning in the party environment is to hold your liquor. Maintain composure. If you can’t compose yourself why would these women let you lead them? Exactly. I remember back at one of the classic “EugeneTattedUp + VietnamWizKid” slow grind parties back in 2011, I got pissy drunk. Watch the Throne was at it’s peak back then so I was referring to myself as Mr.Game 6 and my friends being drunk assholes continued to egg me on. Considering that my good friends were the ones hosting the party, I had consumed 3+ red cups of an everclear/151 hunch punch before we had even starting moving valuables out of the common areas. Anyone who’s reading this post looked at that last statement and said ” 3 cups of 151 and ever clear hunch punch? Nigga you trippin.” Exactly! I didn’t know my limit at all. I didn’t know that the idea of being in the party is to be as drunk and as composed as possible simultaneously. As a drinker you have to know your MCL or maximum comfort level. I know there’s a point of prime drunkeness where I can talk to women without slurring, be completely functional, amiable and entertaining without coming off as shitfaced. You have to learn to drink to enjoy yourself, not end up face down on the carpet. I can tell you what .008 FEELS LIKE these days. There’s a point you want to reach that I like to call “the glow”. When you have the glow you’re more than buzzed but less than sloppy. Food tastes better, you’re texting your current and not your ex, everything is funny, music sounds better, it’s perfect. It’s the point of intoxication where everything around you is enhanced and you can truly enjoy yourself without worrying about being sick the next morning. Do you have any idea how appealing you look walking around with half a bottle of cognac consumed and you’re working the room like you’ve been drinking lemonade?

Back to the story.

As the party went on and we continued to consume hunch punch and handles of Bacardi were passed around, I started to get belligerent. I got niggerish real fast and real strong. This is when one of my best friends pulled me to the side.

“Son, you gotta tighten the fuck up. You screaming and licking on bitches one minute, slumped in the corner the next, you gotta get it together b. You’re the drunk loud guy right now and it’s evident that you can’t hold your liquor. It’s not a good look at all son. Take this drink, sip it and control the substance.”

That stuck with me forever.

I’m sure that he’s proud of my growth. I went from being that kid to being “Papa Bear” or “Uncle Malcolm” of parties. Not only do I maintain myself, but I make sure everyone else and the house is straight as well. Now if I could just get passed having impromptu heart to hearts with my homies, I should be fine.

Don’t be the visibly drunk guy. Be the drunk guy who can handle himself and others. The key to partying is to coon in the most intelligent and sophisticated ways possible.

Enjoy your afternoon.

Out.

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