How To Function At a House Party

Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor and read the statement below in T.I.’s voice.

In honor of another wonderful weekend out and about in the city, I’ve decided to release an impromptu article in reference to the practices and principles of partying properly.

Was that funny?

Anyway, as a bunch of twenty something’s and maybe a thirty year old or two (take your old ass home) we all like to fucking party. Everyone likes to have a good time, hit the club or barhop, but few things compare to the comfort, intimacy and opportunity at a house party. The liquor is flowing free or very cheap, the women are always more down to earth and reasonable, AND it’s more affordable than clubbing. House parties are one of my ideal ways to enjoy myself amongst other young adults, but very often people think that there are no rules to this shit. WRONG. Let the king inform you baby.


Nice touch? I think so. Let’s get to work. This is an article that’s being written for not only the guest, but the host. Let’s start with the latter.


This is Alkey. Alkey is a friend and a party throwing genius. If you live in Atlanta and you’ve never been to “The Stoop”, then you’ve never partied. Here’s a list of things he and I came up with collectively.

Always be prepared. Make sure it’s clean in there. Make sure you have everything you need and be able to control the situation, seeing how it’s your house. Liquor, Red cups, visible trashcans, toilet paper, whatever! Remember that punch and kegs make bottles last longer. People (and when I say people I mean women) should want to come back. Reputation and impression are everything. Make it easy for them.

I understand that people that you don’t trust shouldn’t be in your house, but even those who won’t steal will fuck your shit up. Simply put, People will fuck your shit up. Protect it! Plastic on the carpet, A barricade keeping people from going upstairs, and putting your valuables in a secure place will save you a headache. Trust me. Oh yeah, have a gun too. Just in case.

Watch the door or have someone you trust watching it. If you don’t know who a person is, turn them away. If they claim that their friend is inside, at least 2-3 people have to vouch for that man before he gets in. If you know a chick is a kleptomaniac, don’t invite her ass or let her hear about it. Only promote via text and talk, keep that shit off social media. In order to prevent an uncontrollable situation, inform people of the future party 2-4 days ahead. The more you hype up a party, the more unwanted muhfuckas show up, and that’s what we don’t want.

I cannot stress this point enough. A party is not a party without an abundance of alcohol and good music. Have a decent sound system, hire a real DJ or take some time out to make a FIRE playlist, and make that bitch jump. The music has to be good. Even if you’re djing off the iPhone through a Bluetooth speaker, make sure good shit is playing.

A house party is only as good as it’s host. Protect your home, keep the party flowing and capitalize on all the women who drove to hang out with you and your Friends.


Here you have AJ and Wiz. These two are top tier, premiere partiers and also good friends of mine. Here’s what we came up with for the second part.


I KNOW YOUR MAMA TAUGHT YOU MANNERS! Don’t you ever show up to a house party empty handed. Not only for the sake of the party but for the sake of your image. Have a bottle, some weed, a pizza, ice, cups, gum, SOMETHING! Even if you don’t know the host, showing up with a bottle or two not only builds rapport, but also grants you freedom from looking for drinks.

I wrote an entire article about this HERE yet I still have to make this point. Know your tolerance, know your limit. Don’t be that guy sweating and dancing in the middle, throwing up, then crying on the phone outside all in a 20 minute span. Maintain composure and stay way from party fouls.

This is my favorite thing to do. You literally have to understand how to move in a party setting. Do a walk through, shake hands, introduce yourself to those who don’t know you. Be confident but not obnoxious. Noticeable but not flamboyant. After a smooth walk through, post up with your friends and have good energy. The party naturally gravitates to you when you’re enjoying yourself. When picking up women, stick to the outside. The women who want you to talk to them the most are the ones that are off to the side, observing. Don’t be too into the mix and don’t be seen getting a lot of numbers. That can kill your mojo.

Entire businesses, corporations and even marriages have started at house parties. Life is all about effort, and the more time and preparation you put into having a good time, well.. You know the rest, I hate sounding cliche. Last but not least, protect yourselves. Don’t go into a situation that doesn’t feel good and don’t ever underestimate how quickly things can escalate. No argument at a party is worth your life.

Rest in Peace David “Rat” Garrett.

Until next time.

– Malcolm The King

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