Fall 2008, I’m in the middle of nowhere Louisiana, laying in my bed trying to get some sleep.
It’s 2am and tomorrow is my first day of college classes, but the nigga in the dorm next to me will not stop blasting “Pain” by Tupac Shakur, a song which happens to be a favorite of my Father’s.
I’m not passive aggressive at all, so I go and knock on the door like the fucking police. A 6foot, 215 pound nigga with gold teeth and tattoos from his wrists up answers. We look eye to eye, and I say “Dog, I love Tupac just as much as you, but I got class in the morning. Please turn that shit down.”
He looks me up and down, and the fact that I had the balls to come and say something impresses him. I see the respect in his eyes and he says to me “I’m Clubman (name edited for privacy, also an inside joke.) we’re going outside to shoot dice. Wanna come?”
Fucking right I do!
I’ve been shooting dice since Monopoly money. A few guys follow him out the dorm, but one in particular caught my attention. He was tall and quiet, awkward with a jerky attitude. He didn’t have gold teeth and tattoos like the rest of the Miami niggas. He had an Abercrombie shirt on and a nose the size of a fucking bell pepper. His name is Nose.
We get out to the parking lot and Nose is winning so much in craps that the local country niggas think he’s cheating. I’m side betting and Clubman is consistently screaming “THIS IS HOW WE EAT. FUCK TIGER BUCKS, THIS IS HOW WE EAT.” Nose stands up and says “I appreciate the effort, but y’all fuck niggas don’t seem to understand that this wrist is impeccable.” He scoops up the money and we all walk off.
From that moment on, we have been 3 of a kind. I am currently the GodFather of Clubman’s children and Nose’s spiritual advisor/life counselor. After college, they both went back to Miami. Hence, the title. Let’s begin.
Sometime at the end of 2013, My then girlfriend and I were on the rocks. I didn’t quite recognize it then, but in hindsight.. It was obvious. I take some time to clear my head and fly to Miami to be with my friends. Nose and Clubman were both at work when I arrived, so I spent time with a girl I used to date while waiting on them. She wanted to fuck, but my conscience and guilt wouldn’t allow me to, considering I was “inlove “so she settled for getting drunk and talking about each other’s problems on the beach.
She leaves, happy, drunk, fed and fucked. The time is 4:30. I start setting up a function at the hotel I’m at, inviting strippers and homegirls. I know it’s going to be 3 of us and I already have guaranteed pussy lined up, so I’m truly just looking to have a good time. I come through in the clutch and get 4 women to come and hang out with us. 2 strippers, My good friend/spiritual advisor (Hey Kris!) and her friend.
It’s going to be an awesome night.
I walk to a liquor store on the beach and grab my Go-to liqueurs, Bacardi 151 and a wonderful French cognac known as Hennessy. 5:50, nose and clubman show up, it’s time to FUCKING party. We drunk copious amounts and are wound up before the women even arrive. The strippers show up first, both bad as hell with a bunch of weed. A truckload of weed. Enough weed to make ME nervous. Fuck it, be young right?
We’re in the room smoking GOOD weed like rappers, steaming out the big ass soundproof bathroom. I couldn’t crack a window because the windows were floor to ceiling in the beautiful hotel, so the bathroom was our only option. Now we’ve been drinking rum, cognac and smoking. We’re all fucked up. 10pm, My homegirl and her friend show up and we all decide to go to the beach and do drunk people shit.
We’re on the elevator being belligerent when a muscular Asian man and his girlfriend step on and we all instantly get quiet and start to snicker, cause he looks just like Jackie fucking Chan.
Nose: So uh. Does anyone else notice Jackie Chan?
Jackie Chan Lookalike: “HAHAHA I GET THAT ALL THE TIME. YOU GUYS ARE DRUNK HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!”
Me: I though he was gonna turn it into “Rumble in the Elevator” in this bitch!
We all laugh and take photos with fake Jackie chan. Walk through the nice ass lobby being obnoxious and niggerish
Until we get on the beach and smoke some more. After a few minutes on the beach, Nose gets the strippers numbers (He smashed later) and Clubman have casual conversation with my homegirls and I, with his married ass. We go back upstairs and start playing Taboo when we realize that all the rum and cognac are gone. All that’s left is a big ass bottle of New Amsterdam that Nose brought.
Vodka on top of Cognac and Rum.
Fuck it, we all poured up some vodka and cranberry.
That’s when things went to shit. My friend and her friend saw that niggas were becoming belligerent, so they did the smart woman thing and removed themselves from the situation. We didn’t know that we had gone from 0 to 1,000 because well, we were on 1,000. As soon as we hugged and they left, all hell broke loose.
Drunken Me: IM IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN WHO DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?
Drunken Nose: *Slaps me* STOP ACTING LIKE A BITCH!
Nose and I start wrestling and unlike most fights, this started off seriously and ended up as jokes. We started being drunk assholes and performing wrestling moves on each other off the fucking bed and onto the carpet. Clubman was the referee until I went 1990’s WWF and clothes-lined him. The three of us or drunk as shit, fighting in this nice ass hotel room like some rock stars. I stone cold stunnered Nose and then he put me in a submission, then I realized I had to vomit.
I stumbled Into the bathroom and I threw up everything for a good 15 minutes. I returned to Nose and Clubman passed the fuck out. One on the floor, one on the couch, and the bed wide open for me. I obviously died. 3am.
An alarm goes off at 6:30. Nose is a school teacher. He had to be at work for class meetings at 7am. I wake up to Clubman pissing in the middle of the floor. I slap Nose and he wakes up and all jokes go out the window. I check out and the receptionist asks me
“Were you guys in 1209?”
Nose and Clubman walk the fuck off leaving me to fend for myself. Before I can even lie, the older black woman motions me to come closer and beings to whisper.
“Baby this place is a GOTDAMN cesspool. We have 3 overdoses, 35 regular hookers and an orgy every other night. So if some fucked up shit went down up there. You gotta tell me so I can know how to save your ass.”
I told her that the worst we did was some piss on the floor. She says to me “POTF? That’s it? oh that’s normal. Y’all be safe baby.”
We rush to Nose’s piece of shit car (that he keeps because he’s cheap. 50K a fucking year and he keeps this shit.) and rush to his house so he can get dressed. Between Miami morning traffic and having to drive from Fort Lauderdale to Mirimar to Opa-Locka to Carol City, we had no chance.
Nose got to work reeking of alcohol at 10:30. He got a pass and still has his job.
Clubman got back to his wife and kids at 10 am without calling. His wife slapped me in the face and said “I know you guys are assholes but I was worried!” She still loves us.
I spend 30 dollars on Egg & Cheese Sandwiches, Gatorade and Cinnabon in Miami International Airport. Slept the entire flight home. My ex ended up breaking up with me a few weeks later.
The craziest thing about this entire story is that this is the mild one. Enjoy your lives, we have to be able to tell cool stories to our children. Until next time…
Malcolm the King.