I Aint Shit

Human beings are born neutral and blank. Canvases with the capability to be awful or great. As good as people have painted themselves, we’ve all done terrible things. Everyone, even the mother we look at as a saint has done some grade A bullshit and had a lapse in character. Personally, I don’t think people embrace their moments of awfulness enough, that’s why I’m creating this. Every week or so, along with the normal posts I’ll post something terrible that I’ve done or I’ll have a guest poster. That way we all can vent and judge each other anonymously.

I present to you, the first installment of the “I Ain’t Shit” series.

Alright. Me first.

“The Main-Side Chick”

In early 2012, I met a beautiful, stubborn, know-it-all, pro black queen with an amazing body and an even better mind. We’ll call her Almond. I was almost certain that I wanted to marry this woman. We hit it off instantly and were a couple by the new year. We moved In together after 6 months (Don’t you dare do it) and I was happy until about a year into the relationship, she stopped giving me sex and affection. Things I need. I remember working a 18 hour shift in the cold and rain and coming home to fucking box pasta. Anyway, as the relationship began to deteriorate, I was able to acquire a side piece who my then girlfriend would NEVER run into. How? Simple.


I couldn’t fucking lose. This girl was amazing man. Everything that my ex was AND some. She was more fun, her butt was bigger, we had the same likes and she was genuinely attracted to me. We’ll call her Tara. Now you’re probably asking “Why Didn’t you leave your ex then?”
Because I was truly in love with this woman and just thought we were in a rough patch. I’m also an idiot. Anyway I started spending time with this woman on a daily basis. Off days, before work, after work, whenever I could fit her in. Obviously the more my ex felt me pulling away, the better she acted.

This is where things get interesting.

I didn’t ever tell Tara that I was still in a relationship, just that I was on the rocks and preparing to break up. One night I take Tara to see a movie and we have spectacular sex in the theatre. Because she lived with her granny and she DAMN sure couldn’t come to the house that Almond and I shared, we would always have sex in my car in a subdivision that was being built. We leave the theatre all lusty and have unprotected sex in my car as usual. Tara squirted all over my seats and I left it in. Spectacular right? WRONG.

I drop Tara off and I’m heading home when Almond requests that I pick her up and we go to the movies (to see the same fucking movie) that Tara and I just saw. Dog, I haven’t even showered or cleaned the car out. I immediately stop and get a new air freshener and ride with the all the damn windows down, in November to get the smell out. As much as I tried to avoid it, she was hellbent on seeing the movie. I sit in the movie fake laughing and gasping at all the twists and turns like I haven’t seen it twice ,get home and she’s all over me. If I push her off I look suspicious, so I just go with it. We have that passionate “clothes still half on sex” in the bedroom. As I’m stroking she tells me to leave it in.

That night I had unprotected sex and ejaculated in two different women without showering In-between.
I laid there with that woman, in her bed and got nude snapchats from the other. This is my first time telling the story to the masses.



About 5,000 of you read this a day on average, so if you have stories about your lapses in character feel free to email me at mjheaggans@gmail.com
I will post them anonymously unless you ask me to do otherwise. Don’t be a pussy. Email me.

Fortune Favors the Bold.

-Malcolm the King

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