“AHHHH. YOU THINK THE COLD IS YOUR ALLY? YOU MERELY ADOPTED THE COLD. I WAS BORN IN IT, BRED BY IT.”
– Me as Bane
Happy Saturday savages and gentlemen, ladies and sluts!
It’s fucking freezing outside.
After being in the south for 5+ years now, I’ve come to the realization that you country bastards have no idea how to function, nor survive in the cold.
Last year’s snow storm is a perfect example. Seeing how Atlanta is an import city and melting pot I’ve collected data from other northerners like myself in order to help you guys become winners.
Here are a few tips for surviving the cold.
We ethnic people are a tropical people and aren’t meant for this weather. Cold weather is TERRIBLE for your skin and hair.
Please understand that if you don’t want to be referred to as “Young Alligator” that you must moisturize constantly, with good products.
Coconut oil gets the job done flawlessly. Keep Chapstick or Carmex for your lips and make sure your hairs(beards too) are moisturized.
Moisturized skin retains heat, that’s why those skiers and triathletes lather up in Vaseline before their journeys.
You’ve probably seen a photo of a fashionable person in a cold setting and wondered why he had on a sweater, blazer, pea coat, scarf and leather boots.
BECAUSE ITS FREEZING OUTSIDE, THATS WHY.
In order to be social and function in this type of weather, you have to layer.
Protect your extremities because they get cold the fastest. Invest in some nice boots, sweaters, scarves and socks. (If you don’t own any wool or cashmere socks, you’re missing out.)
If you’re going to an event that’s outside, don’t just throw an outfit together! Take some time to get fresh. In the summer time, dressing is easy. You see who the real polished people are when it gets cold.
Humans were made to adapt.
Last year when the snow hit Atlanta, I was prepared. Being a northerner you can recognize that right mixture for cold air and moisture before it’s about to come down.
I hit the grocery store, mechanic and redbox 2 days before most people even knew what was up.
Driving in the snow and ice isn’t easy, it takes time and practice and patience. The number one rule is don’t fucking panic. No one wants to hit you, just like you don’t want to hit anybody. Keep your composure, it’s only pressure if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Don’t think you’re a gangsta just because your car has four wheel drive. An astrophysicist could fuck up flipping burgers if he doesn’t know how to use a stove. Control your vehicle, simple as that.
If you’re going down an icy hill, do not slam on your brakes, do not use the gas. You creep down that hill as slowly and as safely as possible. If you do use brakes, pump them, cause if you lock them, you’re going on a fucking ride.
If you start to fishtail or slide, ALWAYS TURN TOWARDS THE SLIDE. If the rear wheels go left, turn left. If you turn away from the slide, you’re going on a fucking ride. I don’t want any of my readers to die, so please take heed.
Winter time is a season that isn’t difficult to survive. The will to win is nothing without the preparation.
Take in this bit of knowledge and apply to your lives and PRAY that it doesn’t snow in Atlanta again.
Fortune Favors the Bold.
-Malcolm the King