Strip Club Etiquette

I am a connoisseur and collector of experiences. Data crashes, photos fade, but as long as I don’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s, these memories are forever.
Some of the greatest memories I’ve ever created in my life took place in dark, loud rooms where naked women parade around.

The strip club is a very interesting place. If you’re new to the experience, you can get lost in the lights and end up with a bruised ego and broken pockets.

Thankfully, you strip club newcomers have ME to guide you, and you veterans are reading for enjoyment or to critique my teachings. Either way, I’m at my best when I have an audience.

Don’t you ever believe that there aren’t rules to this shit!

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Be Cool
Always remember that no matter the setting or location, you’re dealing with people. Don’t be an asshole to the bouncer and don’t use a condescending tone when speaking to anyone in the club, especially the dancers. People always remember how you make them feel! Don’t try and shit on the dancers, you’re better than that. When you vibrate good energy, people want a part of it.

Have a Good Time
Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the guy in the strip club, tightly wound in a corner clutching a hundred singles and his iPhone. Enjoy the experience!

Get lap dances, get your homies lap dances, buy rounds, buy shots, buy bottles! Contrary to some beliefs, strip club food is some of the best food in most cities, Especially Atlanta and Miami. The alcohol is always cheaper than the nightclub as well.

Spend Money and Spend It Wisely

I can’t stress this point enough. If your aren’t disciplined, you will leave broke. I don’t care how financially savvy or how much of a player you are, if you don’t budget you WILL fall into money traps. Get drunk enough and that savage will rear his ugly head, notice all these naked women, and your bank account will cry.

Go to the ATM before you go inside the strip club. TAKE OUT A SET SPENDING AMOUNT. The ATM inside the club is charging you $5 per transaction, minimum. I don’t know if I was just super drunk or a programmer was a comedian because once I went to take money out of the ATM in a club and the screen said “Are you SURE you want to do this?”

Seriously.

Set money aside for parking and a cover charge. Understand that it’s a business and they’re going to want a for sure $10-$20 at the door just so they make money.

Use the pocket system! After you take out your set amount and convert aforementioned monies into singles you need to designate a particular amount to three pockets.

Pocket 1: What you plan on spending.
Pocket 2. Overflow or “Okay, you should probably leave,” Money.
Pocket 3. EMERGENCY EMERGENCY money or a note that says “get the fuck out of the strip club.” Either works.

When I say spend your money wisely, I’m speaking in relation to what dancer you choose. Don’t get inside the club, choose a girl and spend money just to see another one you like more 20 minutes and $40 after. Sit back, peep the scene, have some drinks and then make your choice.

Dancers Are People/Don’t Look For Love

I purposely structured the title of this final paragraph to look like the title of a Drake song.

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“Come home with me. Let me show you Aubrey. You don’t have to do this.”

Honestly, be respectful. Feel the dancer out but if she moves away or pushes your hands away, respect her wishes. Don’t be the fucking creep in the club.

Remember, these women are at work. Some of them may act like they like you, shit some of them might genuinely like you, but recognize that they are there to make money.

Don’t go in there and get your feelings hurt.

The strip club is a fun experience if you do it right. Make sure you go with friends who are spending money, because dancers talk. If you wonder why the bad joints are avoiding your section, it’s because you all aren’t tipping.

Keep your eyes open and on the swivel, because bouncers don’t check everyone at the door, and shit can go bad real fast.

Ideally you go to have good drinks, good food and see some fine women shake ass and titties. If you work your wrist and get a number, remember the motto..

Fortune favors the bold.

Oh yeah. Wear Ralph Lauren or Nike joggers when you go. Thank me later.

– Malcolm the King.

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