A Mile High With Shades On: How to Move Through the Airport.

Happy Friday Readers!

For those of you who don’t know, I am an internationally traveled black man. Those of you that do know understand that not too many things make me more happy than talking about myself.

I’ve flown anyway you can fly. Delta, United, Spirit, everyone. Standby, Zed Fare, First Class, Jumpseat. Everything. I can barely count all the airports I’ve been to.

As an avid tweeter, I often see people complaining about the airport and airport operations. “Why is TSA so strict?” “Why do I have to pay for parking?” “Why is the food so expensive?”

Shut the fuck up.

What they don’t tell you is every inconvenience in the airport can be avoided or simplified tremendously. All you have to do is listen to me and let a champion make your airport experience smooth as fine cognac.

The will to win is nothing without the preparation, so let’s get prepared.


That picture alone just annoyed me.

If you live a big city like I do, you know that traffic is a hassle. Leave room for error and give yourself time for dumb shit and inconvenience to happen, because it will.

I try and leave the crib at least 2 hours before my flight. That gives me time to get to the airport, park, go through TSA and have a drink or 12.

Airport parking can be expensive, but that shit is convenient. Way more convenient than riding a packed ass train or some shit like that. When traveling to the airport I suggest you drive or Uber.


I understand that everyone has to make a living. I understand that TSA is a government job and that they pay decent wages. I also understand that airport security is the most annoying shit to deal with when traveling.

Like I mentioned earlier, leave time for dumb shit to happen. I remember an ex and I were headed to Miami and she argued with TSA for 15 minutes about the confiscation of her shea butter.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen TSA take a black woman’s hair product.

Go to Target and grab some of those little 3oz bottles for your lotions and such. If you’re in compliance with the bullshit rules, they can’t take anything from you.

Purchase travel sized bottles of your favorite colognes and aftershaves.

Dress comfortably with shoes that are easy to remove. 9/10 when I travel in the winter I’m wearing Nike Tech or Ralph Lauren joggers with a pair of Cole Haan loafers. Be prepared to take your shoes off, be prepared to empty your pockets and all that dumb shit.

The easier you make it for yourself, the smoother the process will go.

Do not check your bag unless it’s absolutely, positively necessary.


My father always says “Stay Ready so you don’t have to get ready.”

I lost my bag once in 2010, and it never had to happen to me again. Keep your shit ON YOU. Packing a carry on is much easier than checking a bag.

You save time checking in upon departure and at baggage claim when you arrive to your destination, you know your belongings are nearby while on the plane, and you save money! 9


Please, don’t out your wallet, passport, phone charger, headphones, car keys or anything else that you NEED inside of your bag. Keep it on your person.

Having a carry on is just logical.


Airport food is overpriced. Airport food is higher than Snoop Dogg on a Ferris wheel. Every now and then you can catch a few gems, but not often.

My suggestion is to prepare to spend double what you would in the real world, or eat before you get there.

No wit or jokes here, that’s the truth.

I believe I’ve covered all the bases, but here are a few more pointers.

Remember that alcohol is usually reasonably priced in airports, so grabbing a few drinks shouldn’t hurt.

Invest in a first class ticket, trust me.

Hydration and sleep beat jet-lag every-time.

Also invest in some quality noise-canceling headphones. Airplanes are loud as fuck.

Sunglasses in the airport because your future is bright and on the airplane to help you sleep.

Don’t eat anything that’ll make you gassy before the flight and don’t get too drunk.

Enjoy your flights, ladies and gentlemen.

Until next Friday..

-Malcolm the King

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