I Ain’t Shit, Guest Post: The Discount.

Happy Friday Readers!

It’s that time again where someone emails me their deepest, darkest secrets for me to post in hope of a moral purge.

After a bit of editing by the king himself, a worthy story became spectacular.

Without any delay, I present to you:

The Discount.
(not by me.)

Before we even begin, I just want to let y’all know that this is 100% true.I really am one of the worst niggas of all time. But anyway, let’s get to the story.

So, it’s freshman year and I am a very young, very wild nigga. It’s a Tuesday or some shit and obviously, I’m looking for some action to get into.

The squad and I are at the diner on campus like always and I’m eating my fries when this girl I know named Lauren hits my line. Now, I had met Lauren the semester before in a strange turn of events that needs its own story, but nonetheless at this point Lauren is very much the homie.

So Lauren gets to telling me about this money making operation she has just engaged herself into. I can’t be mad at it because it’s college, niggas need money anyway they can get it.

Now with that being said, in this pursuit of getting this money, niggas morals just go all the way the hell out the window. So Lauren gives me the details of her newly found side hustle and I honestly have no idea how to react to it. Mainly, this is because I don’t even believe the shit that’s coming through the other end of my speaker.

So basically Lauren tells me that she has this “friend.” And this “friend” likes to engage in sexual favors. So at this point you’re probably now wondering how the hell Lauren comes into this and how can she possibly be making money from it…….

Yes my niggas, yes, that is exactly how Lauren is making money.

Lauren was a pimp.

So, Lauren tells me for a few buckaroos, I can come see this friend. I ain’t have no plans for the night so of course I’m down. I tell the team and of course, they’re down too. So we finish eating and come through like 30 mins later to see what’s good.

I knock and Lauren opens the door smiling at me. We chop it up and she tells me that since I’m the homie she’ll give me a discount and only charge me a dollar for some mouf.

One dollar. 4 Quarters. 18 dirty ass nickels and a dime.

Nigga, HOW could I possibly turn this offer down?! So I give her the dollar, she opens the door and the team and I walk in to see this fat bitch just chilling on the couch reading a magazine and this light skinned girl sitting on the other couch.

So of course I’m hype because the light-skinned one look like she ready for the get down. Just take a wild guess which one wasn’t throwing the neck.

So the other 2 niggas I’m with are horrified by this discovery and they scramble like fighter jets. For some odd reason, I didn’t want to hurt the girl’s feelings so I say hello to her and we go up to the room or whatever. Lauren and the other girl split too and it’s just us.

Now, this whole thing is kind of confusing to me and I wasn’t really sure on how it worked. Long story short…I’m just sitting in the room talking to the fat bitch about her day and getting to know her and shit.

Lauren comes back like 20 mins later grinning at me and shit and I go outside to talk to her. She asking me all the details and I tell her we just been sitting there talking. She tells me to quit being a pussy and “be bold.” So I go back inside and in my head I’m thinking no way this girl really about to slut herself out like this, but I whip my dick out mid sentence anyway and put it up to her face. Then she looks at me….and smiles…and puts it in her mouth.

And she tops me like her life depends on it. And then she swallowed the kids. All for the unbeatable price of $1. Naturally, I would see her around campus other times throughout the semester. Never even acknowledged her. And the worst part is….Lauren was pocketing all the money.

Poor girl never seen a single dime from all her hard work. Welp…that’s life I guess. Haha.

I ain’t shit.

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