College Stories: The Tranny Lover

Happy Friday Readers.

In 2008 I became the second person in my family to attend college and the first to attend an HBCU.

I was thousands of miles away from home, in an unfamiliar land with other testosterone filled young people, AND full of mischief.

All over campus we were being paired with other young men who we had never seen a day in our lives. Considering that most of us had recently departed from strong high school camaraderie, this was a new and frightening ideology for us.

Thankfully, I was lucky enough to have a roommate who I got along with, who happens to be a recurring culprit in several of these posts, and the father of my God-Children, Clubman.

Our friend Nose wasn’t so Lucky.
This is a joint narrative shared by Nose and I.

I present to you, the Tranny Lover.

[Told by Nose]

What’s up. Um, I’m Nose and I’m happy to be featured on my dog Lucky’s (as we so affectionately called him in college) or Malcolm’s blog. I appreciate y’all.

So, for a while I didn’t have a roommate. I didn’t have to deal with another human being in my space until Byron came along.

Byron was short, rich, fat and nothing particularly stood out about him.
He was one of those people who just existed, he was just there.

His rich ass parents probably sent him to an HBCU to get some culture.

I really didn’t care too much about him being there because he didn’t seem weird, and he had video games and snacks, things that I enjoy.

As time progressed, more and more creep shit stood out to me. First things foremost, he watched Women’s Basketball religiously. He would be in his bed, lights off, tuned in to NCAA women’s basketball like it was the NBA Finals bruh.

I thought he may have had a sister on the team or something until I once heard him mutter “Yeah, take that charge, bitch.”

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Nigga what?

He was a mild mannered man, but once I told him that NBA Basketball was more competitive than Women’s basketball and he had a cow. He got all red in the face, but he knew better than to try me.

Cause I would’ve beat his ass.

Another weird thing was how bad his hygiene was. A lot of teenage boys and young men are filthy but JESUS.

I remember seeing him wear the same Oregon Ducks sweater for a month with the same brown ass BBQ sauce stain on it.

He never brushed his teeth. He once spoke to me and it smelled like shit pie in piss sauce. I don’t even think he owned a toothbrush.

Then shit got weird.

One day I come back to the dorm after hanging out with Lucky and Clubman and I decide to play some PS3. When I come in the dorm, the PS3 is already on with the browser open, but Byron is nowhere in sight.

In the search bar it says “Shemale Fucks”. Shemale Fucks.

At the time I didn’t know what that meant, so I just started playing Grand Theft Auto IV like nothing happened. I thought it was a grammatical error and he was just trying to get a nut off. You know, like normal people.

Because all niggas jack off.

It wasn’t until I went to Lucky and Clubman’s dorm that I knew the severity of the situation.

Alright, so One night Clubman and I are sitting on our beds watching the exact same episode of Family guy on separate TV’s, a ritual of ours.

In the midst of laughing hysterically and eating Walmart $1 pizzas, Nose taps the door with his signature knock, which happened to be a forceful kick.

After letting him in and exchanging daps and pleasantries, he speaks on his recent experience.

Nose: So, Byron was looking at porn on my Playstation.

Clubman: Lucky looks at porn on mine all the time.

Me: I sure do, but I always ask first. That’s courteous and shit. Nose, are you angry because he didn’t ask?

Nose: Yeah, and also cause we not really cool like that. I come home and the Playstation is on and running and it says something about “Shemale Fucks” in the search bar.

Time stopped.

Clubman and I have endless inside jokes, but we knew this was fucking gold. We made eye contact as only two best friends could in a moment of hilarity.

We both looked back at Nose and started convulsing with laughter. Clubman is over there screaming and banging on the wall, I’ve fallen off the bed and knocked all my schoolwork on the on the floor, laying there gasping for air.

Nose: Dog, what’s so funny bra? This shit not cool, I might have to beat buddy.

Clubman: Dog, you don’t know what a Shemale is?

Nose: NO! Or I wouldn’t be asking y’all. What is it!

Me: it’s The same thing that Eddie Murphy got pulled over with.

Nose: Just tell me dog.

Clubman: Nose, a Shemale is a derogatory term for a Transsexual.

Nose:

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He was mortified. He became so angry so quickly and began to monologue about how much of a fuck nigga his roommate was.

Nose: Dog don’t tell me this filthy ass nigga is looking at gay porn on my shit. HE CAN TAKE THE TIME TO DO THAT BUT CANT WIPE HIS ASS OR BRUSH HIS TEEH DOG? HE HAVE THE DORM SMELLING LIKE SOUR SHIT. ONLY THING ON HIS SINK IN THE BATHROOM IS FLOSS. THATS IT. FUNKY ASS CREEP BOY.

He was livid. Nose is a pretty mellow guy when it’s not about jokes or sports, so it was funny to see him explode like that.

I wish I could find my old phone because I actually took video of aforementioned incident.

Being Young Black Assholes, we didn’t believe it, so we wanted to see it for ourselves. We hatched a plan.

We decided that we were going to go to Nose’s dorm room, accidentally type anything with “WWW. SH” in the browser and embarrass Byron into confessing.

We went to the dorm that night and Byron wasn’t there. We missed him, but the Playstaytion had more Tranny, Shemale and LadyBoy searches in it.

The prey was close. He was sloppy. He couldn’t be an experienced porn watcher because he disobeyed porn rule #1:
Let’s say it as a family

DELETE THE BROWSER HISTORY.

The next day we go to the dorm and sure as shit, there’s Byron. He was sitting on the bed playing madden and smelling like shit. It was time for us to execute.

Me: Man I love gangsta movies. Casino, Paid in Full, Goodfellas. All that shit.

Clubman: Those are good dog. But fuck them Italians, Jamaicans got the best gangsta movies. Y’all boys ain’t never seen Shottas?

Nose: (Grinning ambitiously) Naw dog. I heard about it. SHID, we can pull it up on the PS3. Search for it!

Byron:

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He paused and looked at us like he had just seen a ghost. He tried to play it off, but he knew that we knew that he knew that WE knew what his ass had been looking at.

Clubman moves the cursor into the search bar.

Clubman: How you spell Shottas bra? Oh yeah.. S, H…

Have you ever poured something out of a pitcher expecting the lid to stay on and it spills all over the table?

THAT happened.

The second that “H” went into the search bar Shemale lovers, Shemale fantasies, Shemale Ebony, Shemale Latin Lovers, Shemales in the mountains, Shemales on Ice, Shemale Ball Z, EVERYTHING.

At least 50 Fucking searches prompt from “SH” being typed.

Clubman: (In the most dramatic way possible) DOG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MAN. THIS IS DISGUSTING MAN, THIS IS HORRIFYING. UGHHHH MAN WHO WOULD EVEN LOOK AT THIS. WHAT TYPE OF FILTHY HUMAN BEING WOULD EVEN VIEW THIS? THAT LADY GOT A DICK FOOL. IM SCARRED FOR LIFE FOOL. I CANT LIVE ANOTHER DAY IN SIN LIKE THIS LORD. SOMEBODY NOT LIVING RIGHT. IM ABOUT TO THROW UP. SOMEBODY BETTER TELL ME SOMETHING RIGHT NOW FOOL.

Nose and I are too busy screaming laughing and choking to even be in on the joke.

Byron, who is now in tears jumps up off the bed with this fists balled up and belts out:

Byron: It was me. I’m so sorry. I’m embarrassed oh my God I’m so
Embarrassed, please forgive me Nose. I won’t touch it again. I mean, your Playstation, not it. Please man, I’m so sorry.

Me: Took a lot of balls to own up to that you creepy ass nigga.

Clubman: NAW BRA YOU DISGUSTING. WE OUT DOG. YOU NEED THE LORD BRA.

Byron: (Hangs head in shame)

We left Nose’s dorm and laughed all the way to the cafeteria. We fell all over the hallways, crying laughing.

From that day forward we referred to Byron as Nasty boy or creep. To this day we laugh about that shit.

Now we may have been wrong, but we were 18 year old dicks. What do you expect? It made for a great story.

In conclusion, don’t judge people, keep your friends close and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS delete the search and browser history.

Until next Friday

-Malcolm the King

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