Champagne Thoughts  

   “Blackjack you just pulled an ace, you looking at the king in his face.” 

It’s just after midnight and I’m listening to “All of the Lights” and drinking champagne whilst typing this in first class on a flight to the Dominican Republic.  

I wore shorts so my legs are cold, but I have a blanket to counteract that. I just had an amazing cut of filet mignon, by the way. Eat your steaks medium-rare to medium. It’s an experience in itself. 
  Dinner a few thousand feet up. 

There’s no particular order of my thoughts, so I’m just going to share what’s on my mind. 

The woman I’m in love with recently expressed to me that she’s having sex with someone else. She said The sex isn’t an every day thing and she’s going to dead the situation, but she wanted to be honest with me, because she was feeling guilty. 

That’s some gut wrenching shit to hear. What the fuck she tell me that shit for?

I think it may be a bluff, or a game of sorts. See, she thinks that I had sex with someone while we were on break, and despite my constant reassurance she hasn’t accepted the fact that I didn’t. I think she’s trying to get me to tell on myself out of spite or anger, but that won’t happen because I didn’t do anything. 

All my homies continue to tell me that I should dead the situation and move forward. That I deserve better and I shouldn’t be dealing with someone who wants to hurt/test me. But the heart wants what the heart wants. 

Love is ridiculous. 

What’s infuriating is the fact that I was trying to have sex with her while we were on break from each other, expressing some sort of pseudo-faithfulness, and she wasn’t having it. She wanted no parts of it. I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do. I was “laid up with that little yellow bitch”. Yet she took money from me when I offered it but still fucked another man. 

I consistently try to silence the thought of her doing all the things that we do to another man. Her moans, her screams, her eyes watering. It’s tormenting. It’s torture in itself. I keep seeing that text… 

“I’m having sex with someone else.”

“I’m having sex with someone else.”

“I’m having sex with someone else.”

So, I’m dealing with the fact that my woman is fucking someone else, or that she’s evil enough to attempt to test me and gauge my emotional reaction. Not sure which is worse. 
A week or two ago I posted my podcast and a fellow podcaster and friend became furious with me because she posts on Mondays. 

Evidently she’s under the impression that I’m attempting to take her spot, which is untrue. 

Not only is she wrong, but she insulted me thoroughly by stating “People like you suck the joy out of what I do.” 

Wow. 

Funny thing is, I only posted on ‘Monday because she ignored the 15 + attempts to get in contact with her so she could edit my post. Due to that series of events, I had to post late and it angered her. Now she doesn’t want to be associated with me in any way, and that sucks. 

Had she listened To my first podcast she would’ve heard me praising and thanking her, but that’s irrelevant, right? 

Champagne is getting good to me, I’m feeling real wavy right now. 

I was in a house party with an ex girlfriend recently and it was an interesting experience. She was looking better than a margarita on the beach, and I couldn’t do anything, because she’s fed up with me. 

I had to watch a woman I once loved twerk, flirt and get taken to the room by another man. I had to keep my composure and show no weakness, but that’s a pain that I don’t want to deal with again. 

So after drunkenly reading this a few times, I realize that women are the root of my emotional turmoil. Maybe I’m infatuated with women because my father tried so hard to keep me focused on my schoolwork and sports when I was growing up. There’s always been this burning curiosity inside of me, and I continue to fulfill it daily. 

It’s funny. 

I express what’s going on in my life to my friends and they all say the same thing. 

“Shit man. I come to you for advice. You the one with the answers. You know what you have to do. You know what you need to do, you’re just blinded by your emotion right now. Breaking your own rules.” 

Breaking your own rules. 

Man this is fucking gold. I’m writing this without any pauses or Breaks. It’s so intriguing how the human brain works. How I can share these thoughts and touch the hearts and souls of other people. 

Shits relatable man. People love to read and listen what they can relate to. That’s probably why I’ve been playing “Throw Away” and “Codeine Crazy” on an hourly basis, because I can feel the words so immensely. 

We are all creatures of logic and emotion. But emotion is so much more powerful than logic because you can’t FEEL logic. The energy from emotion is what drives ART. Songs are emotional. Films, paintings, drawings, books.. They’re EMOTIONAL. emotion rules the world. 

The flight attendant just handed me my documents to sign. I’ll talk to you all soon. 

  
Readers I love all of you. -KM 

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