Why Every Man Needs a Side Chick. 

“I’ve been happily married for 15 years and I’ve had a girlfriend for 20.”

It’s a bright, cool, crisp Wednesday afternoon as I walk across the concrete structure of federal property to my day job. I’m more lively today than I naturally am already because it’s my Friday and the eve to payday, a vacation and a four day weekend. All I have to do is make it through Wednesday.

The day is going as smooth as humanly possible when I’m approached by a well-renowned veteran, player and all around stand up guy. “What’s up, kid?” He says. “Ain’t nothing old man, just trying to get like you.” After the average black greeting, we have a little small talk and banter before venturing into a truly interesting conversation.

“Let me ask you a question, OG.”

“Drop it on me.”

“How’s marriage? And how long have you been married?”

He smiled.

“There are several keys to a successful marriage. Communication, responsibility, keeping your sex life intact and exciting, learning your partner so you can maneuver arguments properly, all that. For the exceptional man though, there’s a major component that’s overlooked. “And what’s that?” I responded. He paused for a second and smiled. “Let me ask YOU a question now, kid. John F. Kennedy, John D. Rockefeller, most rappers, athletes and all have what in common? My brain immediately started clicking. I thought maybe they all attended the same university, but rappers and athletes we’re generalized so that’s impossible. It’s possible that he could be referring to financial freedom, but that didn’t fit the context of the conversation. The only logical answer I could come up with was success. “Success! achieving their dreams!” “Yes, they did do those things, but that’s not the answer.”

“Mistresses, Malcolm. They all had or have mistresses. Whether it be public or private, it is a fact.”

“It’s not a serious or emotionally compromising situation. There has to be a standard set and an understanding of the arrangement. This isn’t a woman that you see every day or every week for that matter. When your woman gets in her moods and starts bugging the fuck out or is on her cycle and is doing both simultaneously, you need something on the side to balance you out. You see her once, maybe twice a month and that’s it.”

So does she know about what you have going on at home? 

Absolutely! That’s the rules of the game. She must know her position and play it properly. You have to train her in multiple ways. She must know to be quiet when your woman calls. She must know that the time you two share is valuable but limited. She must know that she is #2, it is what it is and that’s all its going to be. If you start to make her feel special like she’s an alternative, an “A” to your woman’s “1” or the tailback in a read-option offense, you will create problems for yourself.

This woman, is she single?

Absolutely not. You cannot have a mistress who has nothing to lose. Those type of women are dangerous. She should have an important person who she shares her life with as well. You two are each other’s escape from bullshit and the reality of a long-term relationship. It’s healthy. If she has that leverage on you, she can destroy your whole life within a few hours. You don’t want anyone to have that type of power over you, especially a woman. Married women are the best. They just want some good dick and a little attention, it goes a long way. Lesbian women are actually perfect, as well. Have some honor though. If you know of her old man, at least have the decency not to be laughing in his face while you smash his hoe.

Okay so how do you keep her around? If it gets boring with the person you love, won’t it get even MORE boring with a person you care nothing about?

The excitement is what keeps her around. Most women care more about how you make them feel than anything. You have to electrify this woman. You have to be her lighting bolt crashing clear out the sky. It won’t get boring or repetitive because you two don’t see each other enough for that to happen. One of the reasons it works so well is because tension builds between the two of you. You can take your mistress around and fuck her in movie theaters and the bathroom of restaurants. Even if you and your old lady are into things like that, they become complex after a while. Sometimes there just isn’t the time or you both are tired or someone isn’t in the mood. When you only fuck a person once a month not only is it prearranged and expected, its desired!

You just said something about movies and restaurants. You take this woman out?

Oh yes of course! But there are rules with that shit as well. Kid, you can’t predict the weather but you can damn sure keep an umbrella in the trunk. I say that to say when one takes his mistress out, it is to be at a time, place and hour where it would be impossible for his woman, her friends or her family to see. If you see a man out at 10:45AM on a Tuesday dressed casually with a woman he isn’t interacting with? That ain’t his wife.  I like to use the 20-mile ideology. If I’m doing dirt I like to stay 20 miles away from the area my wife frequents. Rule number one of cheating is don’t get caught. Rule number two is to take care of home, which means have some respect and be discreet. All that touching, hugging and loving in public is saved for the hotel room. In the event that someone does see you two out, she should already be trained to lie properly. “Friend from college, Homegirl, etc.”

You mentioned seeing this woman when your own woman is on her cycle. What if they cycle at the same time? 

See son, that’s what you call a precarious situation. First things first, you should’ve been dealing with your mistress before your current woman. In that time you should’ve learned her monthly schedule as you learn your own woman’s. Cycles only sync up when women are close to each other. If your luck is that bad, you need not have a mistress. This life ain’t for you.

So do you ever have this chick come by the house?

Absolutely positively not. That’s against the rules and breaking the code. You never allow one woman into another woman’s space. You don’t bring that type of energy into the home. As hypocritical as is sounds, One must have honor. Remember rule #2.

What if she decides to call it quits?

Can you blame her? Every woman wants something to call her own. If she chooses to move on, charge it to the game. But if she’s gone, she’s gone and she can’t come back. You can’t allow a woman to play those type of games with you, they interpret it as weakness.

You keep saying something about “Rules.” What are these rules? What’s that about? 

Guidelines to follow in order to properly prosper in your quest for peace. Remember this action on the side is meant to procure balance, nothing else. Four rules kid, simple.

1. Don’t get caught. That’s as plain as possible.

2. Take care of home! You make sure your woman is fucked, fed and taken care of so you don’t end up being one of these square-ass brothers getting cheated on. You much rather be the perp than the victim. Only room for one cheater in a relationship.

3. Die with the lie. If you do get caught, you ride that shit out until infinity. If your woman has no concrete evidence and just a feeling, don’t make her feel crazy, just reassure her.  If she has concrete evidence but no smoking gun, you keep lying. She’s gonna have to catch you bloody-handed with the knife and you still better say that you were trying to perform an emergency open heart surgery.

4. Control your hoe. Don’t you make the mistake of having a crazy ass side bitch. When I was about your age and Oldhead once told me that 60% of domestic violence comes from affairs, not marriages. Keep her ass in line because truth be told, even if you do everything right and limit her knowledge, she can still fuck up your life if she wanted to.

“Damn that was deep, OG. Profound as well. I didn’t know how intricate the process was, but you still didn’t answer my question. Are you married and if so, how long?” “Wow Malcolm. I know you’re gonna be okay when dealing with women because you’re attentive like one. Even through an entire lecture, you didn’t forget the original question.”

“Kid, I’ve been happily married for 15 years an I’ve had a mistress for twenty. Sleep on that.”

He tapped me on the brim of my hat and walked off. I sat there dumbfounded, in awe. Just when I thought I had life figured out.

So until next time always remember, don’t get caught, take care of home, die with the low and control your hoe. Oh yeah, fortune favors the bold too. 🙂

International Malcolm 



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