The Truth About These Hoes: A Conversation With A Retired Pimp

I’m a pimp by blood, not relation. Before everyone reacts, I say that in the most humble and mild way possible.

Did you miss me?

Let me explain. I literally come from a long lineage of Players and Pimps. The pimps being My maternal Great-Grandfather, two great Uncles, Tiny and Boot (RIP), My paternal Grandfather, two uncles Boss (RIP)and David, the players being my Father and his homies.

When I say pimps, I don’t mean that colloquially. I mean that authentically, unembellished. Pimps. Prostitute management. Fur coat, more gold that Egypt, two gleaming Cadillacs and a Mercedes-Benz with Gold interior.

Being the first child for both of my parents and the first of the generation, naturally every male family member that I came across took me under their wing. Concurrently, I soaked up more information and game than I could process at such a young age, and I’m now applying it to my life. Just my luck, My Great Uncle Tiny happened to be in town and reached out to catch up. I had to check him out. What happened next was an interview for the AGES!

Without further ado I present, The Truth About These Hoes: A Conversation With A Retired Pimp.

 

CHAMP

Unc, state your name for the record.

UNC

They call me Tiny. Bitches know I’m the finest, the niggas can’t come behind me, and if it wasn’t for crack cocaine I would’ve never went into retirement.

CHAMP

(laughs) Hell of an introduction. You’re familiar with my website, no?

UNC

Well you know I’m an old man and I don’t too much dabble in the world wide webs, but your cousin swears by that shit. I done heard something bout’ the Friday nights.

CHAMP

Good to know ya’ll support.

UNC

Always, Always! So let’s cut the chit chat. You wanna tell the people about this pimp shit, huh?

CHAMP

What if I wanna know about it too?

UNC

It’s already in your blood! You just got too much of ya Mama big ole’ heart in ya. Nephew, You the Earl Manigault of this pimpin’ shit. Marcus Dupree. Bo Jackson. The best that never was! (laughs)

CHAMP

(laughs) I’ll give you that. So check this out, often I hear Pimps say “The game is to be sold, never told.” What does that mean?

UNC

Okay so, when a nigga says that it has a double meaning. The game is to be sold means that when it’s spoken, it gotta sound good, you feel me? It gotta be convincing and shit. Make a hoe believe it. It also means that the game is always to be profited from. Dollars. That’s why Pimpin Ken, Iceberg Slim and them boys sold them books. Getting money.

CHAMP

Word. Okay, so why do women allow themselves to be pimped?

UNC

Nephew, you gotta understand that pimping and hoeing is the basis of every relationship that ain’t a true friendship. Romantic, business, whatever. There’s always a nigga managing and somebody working. That’s just how it goes. Oh shit, let me say this before I forget. Don’t ever let a trick ass nigga tell you that these bitches is hoeing or stripping because it’s easy. That shit there is hard work. Hard on the spirit, hard on the body. But like I was sayin’, The desire to be pimped is already inside of them. A bitch love to feed her nigga and make sure he looks good. A bitch loves to take care of the house and live comfortably. You find you a good bitch, I mean a real bitch, not one of these punk ass bitches, and what she gone do?

CHAMP

She gone hold you down.

UNC

Exactly! A good bitch gone suck ya dick, clip ya toenails and make you a meal. (Laughs) You feel me? The basis of pimpin is the intense loyalty and desire to serve that lies in the spirit of a woman.

CHAMP

DAMN!

UNC

The difference between your average marriage and a nigga pimpin on a bitch is her selling that pussy. I was married to all my hoes and ain’t love not NAN one of em. You feel me? (laughs) To finish this question, I’ll say this: I don’t care what no motherfucker say, a motherfucker need guidance. The reason that a hoe allows a nigga like me to pimp on her is because she can’t manage her money or think for herself on a high enough level to do anything else but sell that twat. Her intelligence is manipulating. Manipulating trick-ass-suckers into spending a dollar on some pussy that they could get for free.

CHAMP

Okay so check this… what’s the easiest type of woman to pimp?

UNC

Peckerwood. No questions asked. Blondes, redheads, then brunettes. Them red and brown haired crackers with the green eyes and freckles gone take some wearing down. I think they freckles and that dark hair is nigga genes coming out of them. Them blue eyed, blonde all-Americans though? Them bitches the closest descendants of the cave dwellers. You can pimp them with your hands in your pockets. Those Oriental, Chop-chop bitches a smooth pimp too. Them Asian niggas got a strong pimp hand, you feel me? (laughs)

CHAMP

What about black women?

UNC

You can pimp them, but a black woman gone make you pimp. Those other bitches will LET you pimp. Black women strong and they the mothers of the earth, you feel me? They created this motherfucker so even in hoeing, they know they worth. Black women gone try you every day to make sure yo pimpin is strong. Plus they know them peckerwood white boys will come far and wide to get a taste of that good black loving. The reason them cracker-bastards done fooled niggas into hating black women is because they want them all to themselves. You remember my hoe honeypot? The long, brown one with the big ole titties?

CHAMP

Yeah. She always brought candy.

UNC

One time a cracker paid her $5,000 dollars just to sniff on her ass and twat for an hour. We laughed about that shit for weeks.

CHAMP

That shit is crazy. So, you ever lost a hoe?

UNC

Absolutely. It’s a part of the game. Most of these punk-ass-bitches are fickle. They jump to another nigga thinking that his pimpin’ is better than yours and then come running home when they realize the grass ain’t greener. That’s why you keep a bottom bitch.

CHAMP

They come back?

UNC

Them bitches always come back! But if she switch sides and wanna come and fuck with this pimpin’ again? I’mma charge the hoe a leaving tax and a choosing tax.

CHAMP

(laughs) UNC YOU CRAZY!

UNC

Malcolm I’m dead ass serious! I need a couple dollars for all the pain and suffering I went through. (Laughs)

CHAMP

Are there different types of pimps?

UNC

Nephew pimping is like quarterbacking, different styles, but the game is all the same. You got niggas like me, finesse pimps. Mouthpiece a1. If I tell a bitch that I can fly her to the moon she would believe me. Then you got ya scumbags. Feed they hoes drugs and keep em in a daze, I don’t respect that. Then you got ya gorillas. Them niggas that slap and beat they hoes into submission. Abused women like them niggas. I don’t respect that. I’d rather cut a hoe off and take this lavish ass lifestyle from her and let her starve before I cut her head. You feel me? And one more thing. Tell these young niggas to stop confusing players and pimps. A player is a nigga who moves like a pimp, nice cars… the jewels. Deals with a bunch of women and leaves a positive influence where he goes. He does NOT profit from prostitutes. Prostitutes are a pimps bread and butter.

CHAMP

Okay so you use “Punk ass bitch” often. What does that mean?

UNC

A bitch who aint about nothing. One of them bitches who just wanna lay up, watch tv, not work, spend all ya money and complain all day. Everything that come out they got-damn mouth is negative. Punk ass bitches.

CHAMP

Tell the people about a bottom bitch.

UNC

Oh that’s the foundation to the whole pimp game. That’s Michael Jordan on ya team. She usually the first hoe you ever got. When you take the hoes out to hit the streets, she get to ride in the front seat and come off the track first. She not a fickle bitch. She ya eyes and ears on the street while the hoes working and you somewhere counting money. Think of ya bottom bitch being the manager of a store you own. The hoe still an employee, but she got rank. A lot of pimps end up getting married to or having children with they bottom bitches when they square up.

CHAMP

Square up?

UNC

Yeah. You know, become a square. Get out the game. Find an honest gig or start making some money rapping or playing ball. Painting pictures… whatever niggas do.

CHAMP

We about out of time unc. Anything else you wanna say to the people?

UNC

Remember, Aint no such thing as a halfway pimp. Either you in it or you aint. Ya’ll young niggas be safe and stay away from that cocaine. Crack cost me my hoes, my Cadillac, my Benz and my pad on the water. The worst thing you can be is a trick ass nigga, and remember, there got to be balance in a relationship. If not? Somebody always gone end up being the pimp and the hoe. And with that nephew, I’m gone.

 

Then the nigga hung up. Ain’t even give me a chance to say goodbye.

Until next wave…

 

From the West End with Love,

 

Malcolm Jamaal Heaggans

 

The Friday Night Company, 2017.

 

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