Navigating women is a practice that takes experience and even then, you still never truly master the art of knowing them. Trying to understand women is just like the game of “Black Monopoly” described to Peter Griffin to Cleveland Brown on an episode of Family Guy: “You never win, you just do a little better each time.”
All things considered, women are simultaneously the most wonderful and most annoying entities on the planet. Thanks to my extensive dealings, I put together this list of commonly misunderstood phrases uttered by the honeys that often go over the head of the common Neandert… Man.
- “We need to talk.”
You have fucked up. The best thing that you can try and do is to remember all of your lies, inconsistencies and batten down the hatches for the storm. If you’re lucky it’s something miniscule, if not? God help you.
- “Do I look thick?”
This is a tricky one. Either she wants you to validate her thickness or she’s testing you to see if you’ll lie to her or not. User discretion advised.
- “I’ll be ready in five minutes”
She will be ready in 45 minutes, you better be ready before her, and if you don’t have your shoes on or are playing 2K when she exits the bathroom, it’s going to be hell to pay.
- “I don’t want anything to eat. Yes, I’m sure.”
She is not sure. She definitely wants something to eat, and if she doesn’t? She will when she sees your plate. Truth is, she just wants to see if you’re smart enough to bring her favorite order from whatever place you’re going to. OR, she’s not hungry for a meal and she just wants a little snack from the spot. OR she’s not hungry enough for her OWN meal and wants to nibble on 52 – 75% of yours.
She does not believe a word that you said and is calling you everything but the child of God in her head.
- “Do what you want, (Your Name Here)”
This is a tricky one as well. She’s either giving you a pass because she’s done something equal/worse, or she’s allowing you to hang yourself with your own rope.
- “I’m Sorry”
This shit here is the “Mew card” of phrases uttered by women. Be grateful if you’ve been lucky enough to hear it, because many men haven’t. Usually, she isn’t truly sorry and you should take this statement with a grain of salt seeing how it’s probably delivered with thinly veiled sarcasm or pettiness. Whatever she apologized about, you will have to hear about it for the rest of your time together. So be grateful and prepare for the cost of the apology.
- “I’m not even mad.”
Nigga she is FURIOUS and you will pay, if you haven’t already. Let that marinate.
- “I ain’t thinking about yo ass!”
She is clearly thinking about you. It takes thinking about someone to attempt to not think about them.
- “Excuse me?”
Oh she heard you, but once again, you’ve fucked up. Luckily for you, she’s giving you an opportunity to restate what you just said. If you’re an asshole like me, you’ll just repeat yourself.
- “It’s complicated.”
She’s trying to spare your fragile ego. Don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to.
- “It’s the thought that counts”
This shit is cheap and I hate it, but I love you.
- “Let’s just be friends, you’re like my best friend, etc.”
She’s not attracted to you. Take your L and keep it moving. Start giving her less attention and see if the tables turn.
- “It’s not you.”
It’s definitely you. She either cares enough not to tell you that or she doesn’t want to live with the guilt of telling you that she really doesn’t fuck with you anymore.
- “Don’t worry about it.”
I’ll do it myself or get my other nigga to do it, you fucking bum idiot.
- “You don’t need to get me anything.”
Yes you do. And you better have been paying attention to her when she picked up that purse or twirled that necklace between her fingers at the mall the other day, Jackass.
- “We need…”
- “I need space.”
Ya’ll are about to break up.
- “You’re Nice but…”
She’s not attracted to you at all and you’re fucking boring.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
- “We can eat whatever you want. I don’t know, you choose, etc.”
This could go a few different ways. Scenario 1, she wants you to take the lead and be a man. She wants you to “JUST KNOW” and somehow make a decision with no outside influence or help, and if you don’t? You don’t love her. I know, my nigga. It doesn’t make any sense to me either. Scenario 2, she wants to know that you pay attention to her. She probably mentioned wanting something earlier and is testing you to see if you kept a mental note like you did with LeBron James’ stat line the night before. Finally, she defers the decision to you because she doesn’t want to be responsible for the choice if the food is bad.
If you feel I forgot anything, please feel free to tweet me @ChampagneMalc or talk your shit in the comments.
Keep the family close, get money.